How to Write the Perfect First Message

So now I’m going to share with you how I craft my messages that I send on online dating. I don’t know if I’m exactly qualified to do this, because my response rate is about 15%, but I consider myself above average emotional intelligence and understand, at least in theory, what women would like in first message. I think?

And like anything in my life, I probably approach sending messages on online with a little too much “engineering”. Meaning I have objectives that I try to meet with each message that I send.

How to Send A Great First Message

Objective 1: Prove that you read her profile
This is by far the most important objective, I would think female’s are looking for a guy that actually invested the time to read her profile before he decided to send her a message. How I demonstrate I actually took the time to read her profile is by commenting on something specific mentioned in her profile (DUH). Typically, it’s something complementary on something she has mentioned as a passion, interest or career.

“That’s awesome you teach 6th grade! I loved 6th grade so much, I took it twice!”

Objective 2: Show we have similar interest/things in common
Okay, you’ve proven you’ve read her profile, now you need to demonstrate you actually have things in common. Mentioning shared interest helps create the buy in, she needs to relate to you.


“OMG You love Starwars too!? I once dressed up as Luke Skywalker for 6 months straight, prior to the release of the Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith!”

 Objective 3: Start a conversation
The goal is for her to respond back to you right? Well in order for that to happen, you have to ask her questions. Preferably, open ended questions, in regards to her profile. She will be more likely to respond if you ask her about something mentioned in her profile, as opposed to a random question you want answered.

Good Example:
I see you’ve run a couple marathons, that’s awesome! I’ve actually ran two as well. Are you currently training for another run? What’s been your favorite race you’ve run so far?

Bad Examples:
How many kids do you want?
I noticed in your profile you didn’t mention your credit score….what is it?
How many sexual partners have you had?

My examples are jokes. Calm down. BUT WAIT, there’s more.

Other tips:

Never Mention Physical Complements
Just don’t. You wouldn’t be messaging her if you didn’t think she was attractive. If you mention the words “Sexy”, “Gorgeous” or “Stunning” in your 1st message, please knock that shit off. There absolutely is, that one girl that is an egotistical maniac that loves hearing stuff like that from strangers on the internet. But for the most part, to most women on dating websites, it comes off as corny, creepy and repetitive.

Keep it short
You don’t want to write so much she loses interest. It should be short, concise and have questions, so she can have the opportunity to respond.

Don’t try and be funny
I’ve seen SO MANY messages from my female friends of guys trying to be sarcastic or use humor in their messages, but since their idiot cavemen it comes off as rude, cynical or awkward. Like I see what they were “trying” to say in their messages, but since they don’t know how to write it just came off as rude. If you are able to convey your humor in writing (LIKE ME), then by all means, go for it, but it’s probably safe to say since she’s never met you, conveying funny in messages may be difficult.

Be literate
Ironic coming from me, since I don’t proof read or edit my blog. But believe it or not I actually re-read my messages many times, checking for spelling and grammatical errors.

Here are a few screen shots of a few of the last messages I sent out. I love feedback, as long as you’re not a dick about.

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